Valentine's Day..........in the world of Alan.

Today is Valentine's Day.  Probably Alan's favourite day of the year.  Each year on February 14th, many people exchange chocolates, gifts and flowers with their loved ones as this is the day of romance.  For some strange reason, Alan gets very excited and puts a lot off effort into being a very romantic husband.

The day commenced with an exchange of gifts.  M & S must have empty shelves after Alan had shopped for numerous items of red and black undergarments.  "I bought twice the amount, to save going again in May when it is our wedding anniversary'  stated Alan.  Alan however, neglected to remember that he is never able to save anything, so all purchases were given in one go.  I have to admit that the Chocolates, Countryfile Magazine and card that he was given in return did look a bit meazley.

After a hearty breakfast, Alan had organised a day trip for us.  I was very impressed with his choice to visit Mottisfont Abbey on such a lovely sunny Sunday but Alan then showed his true colours by announcing that we were also going on a pub crawl.  The rules of his game were to visit pubs named 'The White Horse'.  Fortunately we could only find two fitting this criteria in the local area, which was a relief.  I wondered how many other ladies had been lucky enough to partake in this activity on Valentine's Day?

Alan's surprise announcement of the day was that he was thinking of getting a tattoo.  "It would be romantic to have a 'Sally' tattoo he said".  I told him that he needed to think very carefully about this, in case I divorced him in the future.  Alan was not put off.  "I could just tell everyone that Sally was my dog" he said.  "It would be difficult if you were called Samantha or Bridget but luckily you have a good dogs name".  I am not really sure whether to take that as a compliment or not.  Alan's brain is definitely wired differently to mine and actually, I think differently to most people.  When trying to think of a saying today, I asked Alan for help.  "What is it that you say when you do something that makes you feel good?"  I asked.  Self esteem did not materialise in Alan's brain and "Masterbation" was definitely not the answer that I was searching for!

As usual on Valentine's Day, Alan is cooking a romantic meal for 2. He spends ages researching the perfect dishes and shopping for weird ingredients.  I am looking forward to this later, but do get a little jittery when he is asking if I have ever eaten oysters, is cooking 'Ox Cheeks'  and is requesting advice on social media as to whether it will be safe to use his DIY blow torch for a recipe.  Oh, and is his choice of gas likely to cause the wife any harm?  So far, nobody has wanted to take responsibility with an answer so Alan is currently rummaging in his shed.

Hopefully the meal will be wonderful and fingers crossed that I will still be in one piece at bedtime.  Lastly, before I subject myself to Alan's culinary delights, one more message to our son.......When Dad said "Don't visit us later unless you want to see your Mum in her Ann Summers Nurses Outfit", he was only joking.

Happy Valentine's Day. xx

P.S. The Valentine's card that Alan chose for me is below.  Such a romantic!!

Alan at the beach

Week 1.

At last, the summer is here and the time has come to visit the beach.  Last week, after a very hot Thursday, Alan and I tootled off to Highcliffe for a cool off. "Bloody Hell" said Alan after taking a calculated run into the water and diving straight under the first wave that approached. "The water was a bit warmer when we were visiting Australia at the beginning of the year. I think I have been spoilt, because this is freezing"  I told him to look on the bright side, because at least there are no salt water crocodiles or sharks in the Solent. He then proceeded to stand around, wandering aimlessly for about 15 minutes, before finally dunking down and having a swim.  Alan you are getting soft in your old age, I thought.  Anyway, after a lovely picnic, we returned home, with Alan stating that he would return the following week with his body board and do some surfing.

Week 2.

As promised, Thursday came and the sun was out, so off we went again.  This week, Alan remembered to take the body boards and we were also accompanied by our lovely friend Delilah.  I found it amazing how quickly Alan could get in the sea, when looking to impress.  Poor Alan had forgotten his flip flops, so it was quite entertaining watching him wave his arms around and try to hobble over the stoney beach.  We discovered that he soon sped up when being filmed on Delilah's iPhone!  He was in the water as quick as a flash today, but unfortunately, the sea was as flat as a pancake, so the body boards were useless.  A half an hours relaxing swim took place and Alan's question of the day prompted quite a discussion.

"Why, when the water is cold, do ladies bits go hard and stick out, but men's bits go soft and stick in" I must admit that this was quite an interesting fact that I had never really thought of before. Obviously, this was mystifying to Alan so as usual, I made a mental note to google this when we got back.

All good things come to an end and it was soon time to prepare for home.  A rather odd lady who had been having a swim, was then wandering around the beach collecting pebbles.  She told me that she was covering them in felt and then decorating them.......to make them look like pebbles.  I couldn't help thinking that this was a weird thing to do, and a complete waste of time,  but hey ho, it takes all-sorts.  I definitely think she had taken a liking to Alan, as she seemed to locate lots of perfect specimens in close proximity to him, when he was fumbling under his towel changing his undergarments. Luckily, he managed to change without exposing himself, and giving the pebble lady the shock of her life.

Whilst packing up our belongings,  Alan was interested to find a new pot of Vaseline under a stone that had obviously fallen out of someone's bag. "This would be perfect for lubricating my shears" he said.  I made him throw it away. Time to go home Alan.

Delilah kindly brought us delicious fish and chips for supper, bless her. I was a bit concerned, because the odd pebble lady then turned up behind us in the queue.  Look out Alan, I think perhaps you may have attracted a stalker when you were showing off your rippling muscles on the beach. Hmm, perhaps it was a mistake signing the lifeboat petition on the chip shop counter with our name and address in full view.  We are hoping that the next time she comes to the beach for a swim, she may forget about the pebbles in her pockets.  Lets keep our fingers crossed!!

Alan on the road.

Today's blog could end up in divorce, because its on the topic of driving. As long as we have been on the road, there have been debates on whether Men or Women are the better drivers. Let me tell you about Alan.

Firstly, Alan is the only person that I know, who has managed to throw himself through the back windscreen of a car when riding a Puch Maxi. Now, those of you of a younger generation will not know what one of these is, so I suggest you ask the master of all knowledge that is 'Google' if you are not sure.  Your first thought might be that young reckless teenager Alan was riding a super bike resembling a rocket so fast, that he propelled himself into the said car. However, this was not the case. In actual fact, he was bombing along at about 20 miles an hour, and neglected to see a car reversing along the road towards him. Luckily, although the driver of the car was a bit shocked to find an intruder arrive in his back seat, nobody was seriously hurt. It was time for Alan to progress to the safer option of 4 wheels and find a car.

The Hillman Imp is not really a cool option for a car.  (Once again, refer to Google images) Resembling a matchbox on wheels, with something akin to a lawn mower engine in the boot, it would not have been my first choice. Alan however, was in love with his little car and did emphasise quite a lot that it was not just a Hillman Imp, but a Hillman Imp Sport. Well, obviously this made all the difference and to enhance Alan's manly image, he proceeded to pimp the car and add a 6 foot arial on the roof. This was to assist with the CB radio reception which was a priority in those days. In the old days, it was very trendy to have a coloured sticker right across the top of you windscreen with your name printed on it. Alan decided to purchase one of these stickers, as the final touch required to make his super car, super cool. Instead of having his proper name printed, he went for his CB handle. (For those of you under the age of 40, this is like an appropriate 'user name' that you choose for yourself, for when you use a CB radio.)  You may think Alan would go for something like 'Butch Bucknole' or 'Handsom Hulk' but no, Alan's car was labelled with 'Worzel'. (A not overly attractive scarecrow off the telly!) Alan's car was now ready for the road. One of my memories of Alan's first journey was when he took my Mum for a spin around Alresford to show off his new wheels. Alan can get easily distracted, and on spotting a friend walking up the town, Alan momentarily forgot that he was driving. As he also forgot to look where he was going and took a little trip on the pavement, frightening my mum to death!

In 1981, Alan went to college. At last, with the influence of his mates, he got a bit more classy and borrowed £500 to purchase a canary yellow Ford Capri. This was more like it! Built to look more like a rocket than the Hillman Imp, you had to basically lay down in the driving seat with your legs outstretched before you, as the required driving position. Unfortunately, one evening, Alan managed to implant this lovely car into a big grassy bank, when he was taking a sharp bend at the speed of a formula 1 car. The trusty Haynes Manual had to come out and a few trips to the scrap yard were made before it was fixed and back on the road.

Other little incidents came later and include Alan driving into the back of a car, whilst in a slow moving queue in Winchester.  Once again, he was waving to someone he spotted near by and didn't realise that the cars in front had stopped.  Another time, 2 weeks after buying our shiny new car, Alan decided to put the wind up a young Lada driver who was driving too close behind him. Alan put on the brakes to give him a shock and he ploughed right into the back of us. Our new car spent two weeks in the garage but the Lada that was built like a tank, didn't have a scratch on it.

Alan used to be what we call a 'Sunday Driver', but since leaving the farm I have to admit that he has improved.  He now drives miles for work every day, but age seems to have been accompanied by impatience and Alan now gets 'road rage'.  If you do not indicate on a roundabout, travel endlessly in the middle lane of the motorway, overtake in your lorry and hold the traffic up, dither at traffic lights or take your time parallel parking, look out for Alan.  He will be the one giving you hand signals from the car behind!

Alan's best friend.

Alan has lots of good friends and if you think that you could be top of the list, I am sorry to bring disapointment. That acolade goes to the one and only  'Jack Daniels'. In fact I have come to the conclusion that any drink with an alcoholic content of more than 4% could be in the running as Alan's best friend.  I have often wondered where Alan's love of alcohol has come from and after a bit of thought, I have come to the conclusion that his Grandmother and Grandfather (god rest their souls) may well be responsible.  His Grandma was renowned for her sherry trifle, which should in fact have been called 'trifle sherry' due to the volumn of drink that she would pour into the bowl. In addition, I once witnessed his Grandad putting a 'little something stronger' in Alan's coffee. while we were visiting one day for a chat. "What is wrong with this" I hear you say, but I am sure that Cinzano is not the choice of normal people? Is it?

Alan seems to have given himself a bit of a reputation for being a drinker. When invited to friends parties, you never know what he will produce as his contribution.  When most people would bring crisps or sausage rolls, Alan will turn up with two dozen absynth jellies in assorted colours, conveniently set in shot glasses. Only yesterday when attending a post wedding cheese and wine party, instead of a nice cabernet sauvignon, Alan brought vodka, ginger beer and a bag of limes. He  then preceded to make jugs of Moscow Mules, (a very tasty cocktail) for everyone. And yes, they were very nice, but I was a little concerned that the brides father may topple over when he eventually stood up from his chair.  He did rather enjoy a glass or six!

For any responsible parents still reading, please skip this paragraph as it may spoil you current opinion of Alan. When your 10 year old son asks if we can pop into The Flower Pots for a glass of Stowford Press I have to say that alarm bells were set off. Was Alan's love of alcohol rubbing off on the children? Once, when given a couple of bags of spare apples, Alan tutored our number 3 son in producing a rather tasty batch of apple cider wine.  Don't normal people make pies or crumbles? Oh, and how many mums have had to stop their 12 year old son from selling apple cider wine to his school friends at £5 per bottle? Luckily, nobody thought to tip off customs and excise and he got away with it, banking £20 in the process.  I think Alan was a bit jealous as he had not had the same level of success when making up his 'Party Four'' kit from Boots in the 70's.

It is scary to think how much Alan's love of drink has cost us financially but a few bairgains have been purchased over the years.  One notable occasion was when Alan did a bit of wheeling and dealing and managed to buy a dead mans' home made wine collection for £10. "Timing is everything" said a well chuffed Alan. The following day he joined a stag party for a weekend of boating and fun.  Alan's bargain paid off as it was reported that he had preceded to drink  a whole bottle of oak leaf wine for his breakfast saving on the purchase of eggs, bacon, toast and tea. Alan can be quite odd sometimes.

We all know that Christmas is a time for drinking and merryment. Alan always seems to have to take things to the extreme and last Christmas was no exception. Alan announced that he wanted Kellogs Frosties for his breakfast.  I just tend to go with the flow, but I did feel slightly sick when he covered them in lashings of Baileys Irish Cream.  His response was "IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Anyway, to finish my writing today, we will end where we started, with Mr Daniels. Alan is currently working on a project to convert a Jack Daniels bottle in to a table lamp. He has been in discussion with a clever creative friend and it looks like it will be a goer.  OK readers, with the evidence given, would you agree that Alan has alcohol issues? When asking Alan if he thinks he is an alcoholic he says "definitely not. Alcoholics have to have a drink as soon as they wake up, don't they?"  Hmmmm, perhaps he should read my blog.

Dressing Up for fun.

Today I am going to tell you about Alan's dressing up escapades. I have to admit that a great amount of planning, shopping and preparation is carried out for Alan's outfits until Alan is finally satisfied with the end result, which in the past has ranged from kinky Frankenfurter from the Rocky Horror Show, to Worzel Gummidge off the telly.

Women have featured a couple of times in Alans repotois with noticible appearances from Tina Turner and Ting Tong from Tooting. (What is it with ladies starting with T?) Tina Turners boots were purchased on ebay. Thigh length patent PVC with 4 inch heels, they were red and black and had to be laced from the bottom to the top.  Alan had lessons to perfect his ladies walk but I think he got confused as it ended up more like a John Wayne swagger.  That night when we were out, we had a theft at our house. I can only imagine what the thieves must have thought when they were casing the joint and saw a rather large bandy woman trying to walk to the car.  "They deserve to get robbed looking like that!" 2 days after the party, I was amazed when Alan successfully re-sold the boots to a man in London. I guess it takes allsorts.

Ting Tong from Tooting brought us different challenges. Being a Thai lady, Alan's rosy complexion needed a little work. After some careful consideration and a little improvisation, we discovered that curry powder made an excellent foundation for covering the skin. It took quite a lot of hard work to persuade Alan of this but eventually Ting Tong was created and wearing a lovely green velvet mini dress, off we went to the New Year's fancy dress party. I am pleased to report that the evening was a great success apart from a few complaints about a weird spicy smell and that when Alan changed into normal attire and fell asleep in the chair, he was still wearing his cherry red lipstick. Yes folks, there is photographic evidence available.

A lot of time and effort is put into Alan's costumes, for example, Worzel Gummidges hat was hung outside for days so that it could be covered in authentic pigeon shit! I really think things were taken slightly too far though, when Alan decided to go to the OAP Fancy Dress party in a home made coffin. Measurements were taken and a full sized coffin was made from some lightweight plastic sheeting that had been 'acquired' from work. It was slightly unnerving when I had to lie down in the construction so that Alan could secure the sides, but eventually it was put together, painted oak brown and had RIP enscribed on the front.  Alan was to wear it upright and shuffle along with his feet at the bottom.  Alan was very pleased with his efforts but had neglected to think of one little problem.  As we did not have the pleasure of owning a full size black hearse and the party was in Whitchurch how could transportation take place? Luckily we had a landrover (phew) and with all of the seats down and me squashed in the passenger footwell, off we went. I have to say that our friends were a bit shocked when they opened their front door and there was a coffin stood on the doorstep but luckily they were not too traumatised.  Their children thought it was great fun  and spent the evening sitting in it and whizzing down the stairs.  I was slightly amused when at school the following Monday, the children had written all about "playing in daddys friends coffin" in their news!

Alan loves to dress up and if my blog so far does not convince you, last Christmas, and for the sole reason that it was Christmas Eve, he decided to wear an elf costume to the pub. It was slightly embarrassing as we met some friends and caught the bus. Unfortunately for Alan, we all sat with a bit of distance between him and us, but the passengers seemed amused and he did have some funny comments. My friends Mum saw the photo of Alan the elf on Facebook and asked "Did anyone else dress up?" . "Did he do it for a bet?" The answer to both of these questions is no and I think that says it all really.

Alan, a child hater or not?

Well it seems that Spring has arrived and the sun is showing itself at last.  Whilst everyone starts to chill out and enjoy the lovely weather, the opposite is true for Alan.  This is why. Once again, the children in our street are able to whizz up and down the road on their bikes and exciting games of football are taking place on the grassy area at the side of our house. Now when you were young, I am sure that you all remember having a neighbour who was less than friendly and perhaps you even named him Victor Meldrew? Well I have come to the conclusion that Alan is ours.  Only last week, the mother of a sweet little 6 year old girl had to come and knock on the door as her daughter was in floods of tears. Her football had been accidentally kicked into our garden an Alan had decided not to throw it back.  "They bloody well do it on purpose" he said, although I can't really see why they would jeopardise their fun in this way.  Also, Alan shot out of the house in a rage the other day to "give them a piece of his mind", when he thought that the sporadic dull thuds that he could hear in the kitchen were them kicking the ball against our side wall. In actual fact, and to my amusement, it was only a pair of trainers having a quick wash in the washing machine that were causing the thuds, but it was fun to watch him run outside and then return slightly confused.  I am pleased to report that the children have now devised an early warning system for when Alan returns home from work. They were heard whispering " quick, he's home. Lets get out of here".

Alan has not always had this dislike for children.  When ours were young he was keen to do 'man' things with them and teach them useful skills. While watching an old home video recently, I was reminded of when Alan was responsible for the purchase of No. 3 sons' Christmas present. "A tool box would be really handy" and "he would be well chuffed to receive this" said Alan. I am not really convinced that Father Christmas  makes a habit of delivering gifts such as an axe, a hacksaw and a Stanley knife to 10 year olds, but he did that year! (Health & Safety was not really on Alan's mind in those days.)

There is one other event that sticks in my mind that I shall tell you about.  Alan is very keen on attending car boot sales and would often shoot off on a Sunday morning in search of so called 'bargains'. Well, this particular day, he returned home, pleased as punch with his latest purchase, which believe it or not, was a pair of handcuffs.  "These are real" he announced. "Not some plastic cheap toys, but real metal handcuffs". Now, I have to admit to being slightly concerned at the time and I wondered what his reasoning was for buying such an odd item?  I was therefore pretty relieved when he gave the handcuffs and the key to our children to play cops and robbers with.  Later however, this purchase was responsible for one of the most embarrassing moments in my lifetime.  Now I know how your minds are probably working, but this is what happened.  Can you imagine how mortified I felt when I had to phone the mother of a child, who had been invited over to play, to explain the following: "I am so sorry, but please could you delay the collection of your son as he is currently handcuffed to the taps in our kitchen and the key has been mislaid. I will call you when Alan returns with a hacksaw to free him". Fortunately, the handcuffs were then disposed of and instructions were given to Alan on more appropriate gifts that he could purchase in future.

So what do you think, does Alan like children? Well I think that the evidence here speaks for itself. Just take my advice and don't leave your children unsupervised with Alan. AT ANY TIME.

Alan Titchmarsh? No just Alan

Yes, it's that time of year again. For the last 5 years, Alan has been the proud owner of an allotment and every spring, excitement mounts as he plans, cogitates and prepares his garden.  As usual our lovely sunny conservatory is turned into a smelly potting shed.  Potatoes have been carefully laid out on egg boxes and picnic tables covered in newspaper are arranged with seed trays full of dirty compost.

Alan continues to display strange behaviour on a regular basis, and this weekend has been no different. I have to admit to being slightly confused when yesterday, he spent 4 hours at the allotment in continuous heavy driving rain, only to arrive home completely dry?  Now, there could be various reasons for this.  Is Alan having an affair? Is Alan sat idrinking tea n the Allotment Shop with Stuart, the manager? God forbid, is Alan having an affair with the Allotment Shop Manager?!! During intensive questioning, Alan finally confessed that he had been shopping. Now, those of you that know Alan will know that this is his other hobby and is perfectly believable however later observations have thrown up some doubt. The poorly geranium on our kitchen windowsill, has no leaves and bright red blooms on 12inch stems. As it is in dire need of chopping up and having cuttings taking, I queried this with Alan. He simply replied that he "had no compost". Now, interestingly, Alan stated yesterday that he had been shopping to the garden centre. Do you not think that compost would have been purchased then? Alan said that he had forgotten it but I am not so sure. I think I need to keep a close eye on Alan and Stuart. Watch this space.

Today, Although I tasked Alan to find a little holiday cottage for us to rent, he was once again distracted and drew a very detailed plan of what is going to be grown on his allotment. There will be juicy soft summer fruits, bright coulorful scented flowers and delicious freshly grown vegetables.  One spot on the map was simply marked "gooseberry" but I was not able to work out if this was a fruit bush or where Alan would sit to have his lunch! I don't think he was amused when I questioned him. Oh, and we still don't have a holiday cottage booked.

Today the sun came out and Alan was chuffed with his progress.  The egg trays full of smelly shooting potatoes were removed from the conservatory (hooray), and Alan proudly announced that he now had 7 rows of potatoes planted and ready to grow.  Oh dear, I thought.  When will Alan realise that there are only 2 of us here to feed. Recently I passed a maths qualification needed for a course that I am enrolled to.  This came in very handy for working out the following.  If Alan planted an average of 12 potatoes per row, and each plant produces approximately 10 potatoes, I make that a total of 840 potatoes arriving in the summer. Considering that we eat a lot of rice and pasta and only about 20 potatoes a month, I forecast that we will have a surplus of about 600 potatoes!

I will keep you updated with the status of the allotment over the next few months but in the meantime, I need to get on the phone and see if I can do a deal with Mr Walkers.